Friday, July 2, 2010

One Parent Household/Two Parent Household

Being a child of divorce sucks.  For sure.  I know this not as a child of divorce myself, but as the mother of children of divorce.  Your mom and dad live in separate houses.  That sucks.  You have separate vacations. Not ideal.  Your family pictures are with one parent, not two, makes me sad.  I hate all of this for my kids. 

However, being a child of divorce doesn't mean you're going to be screwed up. Really it doesn't.   Didn't hear that?  Let me state once more, being a child of divorce does not mean you're going to be a screw up.
So when I recently  saw a comment that said (and I'm paraphrasing so ignore the quotes) "you can pick out the 1 parent household children from the 2 parent household children", it made my blood boil.  I'm sorry, for real, I could have totally kicked ass right then. 

Do my children have worries, fears, confusions, and sadness because of divorce?  Yes. They. Do.  They have had to deal with emotions that many children have yet to experience.  It's not fair, I'll be the first one to say that and I totally believe that it is not fair. I'm even pissed at "their parents" for getting a divorce. But, can you "tell" they have divorced parents, good Lord I hope not
When I first saw that comment I was mad and offended and certain in my mind that no stranger would be able to "tell" my children had divorced parents.  But as I thought about it, I began to wonder.  Can you "tell"?  Are there apparent signs that my children have two homes, two beds, and that when they get a hug and kiss 'good night' from mom, they don't get one from dad? And when they get a hug and kiss 'good night' from dad, they don't get one from mom?  I hope not.

I try so hard to make my kids' lives as happy and loving as possible.  I know they miss out on certain things and I know they wish their parents weren't divorced.  I wish their parents weren't divorced, too, for them not for me.  That's a whole other story.

And I truly believe kids with divorced parents can be just as happy as kids with married parents.  And whose to say kids with married parents are under a healthy and loving roof?  We do the best we can and I pray that my kids are growing up feeling happy, loved and blessed.  I feel happy, loved and blessed because of them, that is for certain.       


  1. Going through the same thing on this end. My divorce was final in Feb. of this year. But we'd been separated since '06 basically...just kept trying but it was gone.

    Now he's bitter. I'm happy. Our 9 year old son is caught in the middle (we share custody...beginning to think that was a big mistake and considering heading back to court to remedy THAT headache). It would be okay if the ex wasn't so angry.

    He's not considering that we need to be "cordial" just for Jake's sake. Oh, no. He's too selfish for that. But hey, thank God Jake is a resilient kid and I know it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

    So, hang in there and I will too :)

    Glad I found you :)

  2. I grew up with my parents divorced so I know how much it truly does suck for my son! But his dad and I have a great relationship now so we've done a lot of things together, even taking a family portrait together, to make sure our son knows how important family is even if his dad and I aren't together. We used to even do pizza/movie nights together! Things have changed now that his dad is married, we obviously can't do the things we once used to do but our son is blessed that his dad & I were able to put our differences aside (after we split) and learn to become friends so that we could truly raise our son together. Not all kids are that lucky (that their parents can become such a good friends after a separation/divorce!)

    One thing you said that stuck out at me "I wish their parents weren't divorced, too, for them not for me." made me kind of sad! while divorce sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, staying in a relationship just for the sake of kids is NOT doing anyone any good. I know a family that did that (their kids are older now) and the kids all told their parents they wish they would have just divorced because they wouldn't have had to be put through all the agony of listening to their parents fight or see their parents doing their own things, nothing together. I used to think that every family needed to stay together for the kids sake but that isn't always the best decision either!

  3. I hate hearing those sweeping judgments about children of divorce as well. Although I certainly did not get married and have kids to become a single parent sharing custody of my kids, I will tell you my kids have some benefits and will grow from the experience.

    My kids handle change well. They are learning to be flexible and adapt to different rules and routines. They are learning to speak up for themselves. They are learning that moments with the people they love are precious and not to be taken for granted. They are learning to plan and take responsibility for their stuff.

    Some people think that it's unfair to impose such responsibility on young children, that their childhoods should be carefree and without worry.

    I think that's a bunch of idealistic BS. Life isn't a Hallmark card. My parents spent their childhoods watching their parents worry though the depression. They helped raise and care for livestock and had chores far more taxing than making a bed or clearing the table. My siblings I watched and worried as we watched our parents fight and reconcile, always waiting for the end to come.

    Every childhood has its worries. It's our jobs as parents to make those worries reasonable and growth-inducing, not crippling and burdensome.

    Trust me, my kids are well taken care of and they know they are loved, even though their mom and dad don't love each other anymore.

  4. Roschelle - Maybe with time he will simmer down and it will become easier. Hopefully!
    Tishia - Thanks for the comments. I agree completely that parents who are truly unhappy should not stay together for their kids. I just meant in a perfect world my kids would have parents who loved one another and were still married.
    Nancy - Your perspective is well received! Thanks!